I used to work graveyard at Denny’s, and before that (and for a while after) I just liked to stay up late. It seemed like that was the time my brain kicked into gear and I could get stuff done. I still feel like the middle of the night is when I do my best thinking and writing, but with 5 kids in school, it’s an insane choice to make. How I looked forward to the day Anya would start kindergarten, so I’d be able to devote those 2 1/2 hours to writing and try to get myself on a much better sleeping schedule.
Well, today is day 3 of kindergarten, and I’ve been up all night. Again. That’s right, I tossed and turned for hours. Even got up a couple of times to go outside and appreciate the distant thunderstorm, and get myself some warm milk. I’ve been stealing naps during school time instead of writing.
Some of you know, but most of you don’t: Last January, my husband lost what we’d thought was a very stable job of 10 years. With it went the best health benefits any company would offer, and pay that, until it was gone, we’d taken for granted. He was able to find another job, but with a huge pay cut – almost entry-level, and he has 15 years of experience in software engineering. Try supporting 6 kids on a one-income, entry-level paycheck. And then our new health benefits are 10 times more expensive, with co-pays that cost twice as much. I’ve never known worry and stress like this!
He’s been looking for a better job, with no luck so far. There’s nothing in our area, and he hasn’t had any bites with all the resumes he’s sent out to companies in other states. I can’t go back to work at Denny’s because I have nerve damage in my shoulders. And the kids need me at home anyway. (I’m still keeping my eyes open for something part-time that might work out, though.)
I don’t think I’ve had a decent night’s sleep since last January. When I’m not worried about his finding a better-paying job, I’m beating myself up for not being able to afford to send Lia to college. She’s so intelligent, wants an education, and deserves one. She herself is still having trouble finding a job of her own, after looking all summer. And there’s not even a hope of doing anything for the kids, vacations or even buying them a little something they want now and then.
I really don’t mean to complain – well, maybe I do just feel the need to vent, big-time, since I try not to complain most of the time. And I’m sure a big part of this post is bad judgement due to lack of sleep. LOL
But really, I’m asking you guys, if you can keep us in your prayers, that Dennis will be able to get a better position somewhere, anywhere, soon, that we’ll be able to sell our house and get out of here, that someday I’ll maybe be able to sell a few of my books, and that I’ll be able to hold it all together until then. And some sleep would be really great, too. Because this is totally gonna be me every day until I can find some peace of mind.
Hopefully a year from now I can look back on this post and say, “Wow, that wasn’t so hard, but I’m sure glad it’s over!” And then I’ll fall asleep. 😉