Monday Funny: More Facebook Statuses!

Facebook’s been showing status updates of the past, and Lia and I have had a lot of fun collecting the funniest. I learned a little something while going through these old statuses: My youngest, Anya, is crazy, and very quotable.

I also realized I seem to hear Lia talk in her sleep a lot, which I’m sure raises the of question of why I’m always around when she’s sleeping. We have 6 kids in a 3-bedroom house. The boys have a room, the girls have another. Rather than share a room with 3 other very messy and much younger girls, Lia pulls a mattress into the living room every night. I sleep on the couch, because Dennis can wake the dead with his snoring. So it’s like every night is a slumber party!

Mine:

Lia, talking in her sleep: “Hey! My seat won’t stop clicking. It’s just *random gibberish* clicking.”
Me: *trying not to laugh* “What?”
Lia: *more gibberish* “It’s my seat, it’s right there!”
Me: *laughing*
Lia: “It’s a moving…chair…light.”
Me: *leaving the room to log onto Facebook, laughing*
Lia: “You laughing at my moving chair light? WHAT!”

Me: “Adrien Brody has these puppy eyes, it makes you want to just eat his face.”
Lia: “Except you can’t get to his face, his nose is in the way.”

I temporarily forgot the name of Eva’s friend…so I called her Belly Button.

Wish I had something cool to update, but I’m still waiting. Instead, I’ll leave you with a quote from Anya: “My buttcrack tells me what to do.” And yes, she did a tooty right after saying that!

Weird statement of the day: “Why are there flowers in my didgeridoo?”

Feel free to use the following real-life sentences in your everyday conversation: “Your bra just landed in my top ramen and splashed boiling broth all over me! Get your fingers out of my noodles, you can’t have any because your bra ruined my soup!”

Raw, scratchy throat and a cat’s butt in my face…not the best way to wake up in the morning. In other news, Lia punched herself in the face and gave herself two black eyes. Haw!

Anya: “Will you miss me when I go back home?”
My niece Rylee: “Squirrel. I mean, yes.”

Eva: “I was playing a game with Emily and I went to slap her butt and accidentally slapped her face…”
Me: *wonders how on earth this feat was managed*

I was just laughing and suddenly got a mouthful of cat face. :/

Just sitting here on the couch, and I hear a scream from the other room: “DANG! There’s a huge bug on my butt! You crawl on my butt and you die!”

To my dear kid: I like Spongebob as much as the next insane person, but please don’t wake me up 20 minutes before my alarm goes off to tell me they’re coming out with a new season. Especially since we don’t even get Nick. Love, your exhausted mom!

Boys are gross. Both of them peeing in the toilet at the same time yelling “WOO!”

Lia had taken nighttime cold medicine and was already knocked out. She said as I was going to bed, “Tell me where I am in the morning, okay?” She sounded so wide awake I asked her loudly 3 times what she said, and she repeated it. Then I started laughing and she was like, “What?!” and then after a second she realized what she was saying and yelled, “Oh my gosh!”

I’m totally wiping a booger on the next person who says I look like Kristen Stewart.

Yet another memorable statement I never expected to hear in my life: “My stomach hurts because I ran into a cactus while I was chasing a chicken.”

Laptops hurt worse than cats when they’re falling on your head. Lucky me, it was both a laptop AND a cat.

Anya recently drew a picture and described it to me: “This is Mommy outside, and Daddy in the house, and me and the kitties, and on the other side is a zombie, but he’s not going to eat anyone because the sun is up and he has to go into his box or he’ll die.” I’d like to know why I was outside with the zombie/vampire, and Dennis was hiding in the house!

I declare today to be Scream and Flail Your Arms Around While Being Chased by Yellowjackets day.

My calves are so sore I keep faceplanting into the furniture…

Don’t ever pause David Tennant on your TV with Emily around, unless you want lipstick marks all over the screen.

Lia is talking in her sleep and just told me to vaminos.

Lia’s:

Caffeine is not good for me to have, because I almost left the bathroom without any pants!

Elijah: “Is Lady Gaga married to Justin Bieber?” Intriguing idea, dear sir.

Emily: “Go get Apples to Apples and Mommy and I will play it with you!”
Me: “Do you realize that you just called me ‘mommy?'”
Emily: “No, I said ‘Mommy and I will PLAY it with you.’ Besides, you look more like a grandma!”
Guess who’s going to wake up tomorrow with no eyebrows.

Brian: *Stripping down to his underwear*
Dad: “What are you doing?”
Brian: “I’m vacuuming in my underwear, why?”
My dad’s the only normal one in my family. He just doesn’t understand that sometimes a boy has to vacuum in his underwear.

Weirdest quote of the day: “Help me! I’m stuck in Daniel Radcliffe’s chest hair!!”

So I’m in the bathroom, drying my hair when there’s a knock on the door.
Me: Yes?
Anya: Let me see your booty!!

Someone from the other room: “Ew! You burped in my peanut butter!”

Me: *Standing in the kitchen with a knife*
Anya: LIA!! They won’t let me in my room! Go cut their butts off!

Anya: “What are you doing?”
Me: “What are YOU doing?”
Anya: “I’m staring at you… FRENCH staring at you.”

Elijah: “Hey, Lia, guess what?”
Me: “What?”
Elijah: “Kung hei fat choi!”

Anya: *Licks my face*
Me: EW!! Don’t do that!
Anya: But you were all up in my business!

Uh… My mom just pushed us all out of the way because she really had to pee, but instead of heading to the bathroom, she ran outside. O_o

Mom: “Don’t touch the TV screen, Anya.”
Anya: “Well, Elijah choked me to death!”
Mom: “Don’t choke your sister to death, Elijah.”

My cat is eating my pants.

“Emily, get my bed out of the bathroom!!” – Not a statement you hear in most houses.

What. My mom just told me that she saw Gumby and Pokey dancing in the street yesterday. WHY DO I ALWAYS MISS THESE THINGS??!

If my brothers keep peeing on the toilet seat, I swear, I will duct tape them to the side of my house and leave them there.

Anya, talking to my mom: “Hey! You’re sitting on something I need! Get off it!”
Me: “Anya, how do you ask?”
Anya: “May you GET OFF IT!!”

Kissing in the rain is done too often. I’m going to go kick someone in the rain.

* * *

Oh, and hey, Adrien Brody rocks. The following video proves it:

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10 thoughts on “Monday Funny: More Facebook Statuses!

  1. Laughing my A$$ off! Oh my gosh, you crack me up. Your monday funnies are better than anything I would find in any newpaper! Thanks for the wonderful list of hilariousness!

    Like

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