The Difficult Post

I did say I’d write about this after it was over with. And when we were in our hotel room starving at 11:00 pm and due to a comedy of errors we still hadn’t had dinner, and were stranded on the 6th floor while my parents were stuck on the casino level and none of us could use the elevator because there was a fire department issue on the 3rd floor, I was all laughter and hilarity and yelling that I couldn’t wait to blog about this while my mom was on the phone with me snapping at the hotel employees in general that no, she wasn’t going to go gamble while they waited until the elevators were operational again, she was here to see her family! – well, that was the night before. I had, as the great Professor Elemental says, my “fighting trousers” on, and I was ready to take evil down.

All my life I’ve been a super wimpy, non-confrontational doormat (which is probably why particular members of that family thought I wasn’t a threat to them), so facing them in the courtroom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. My voice shook with anger as I read my statement, but I didn’t look them in the eye, or I knew I wouldn’t be able to go on. I didn’t cry until my 14-year-old, who had severe anxiety about the whole affair, took the stand and broke down. She pulled herself together and read her statement, and so did my 12-year-old. Proud, angry mama bear was proud and angry.

The defense was pretty weak. It seemed to me that his defense attorney, whom my district attorney had told me was the best of the best, had kind of given up. He knew he was beat from the beginning. The evil one himself was allowed to say a statement in his defense, and it was all scripted, trite excuses and halfhearted apologies. No remorse whatsoever. Accusations of “unfounded animosity” against him. Pleas for mercy, since he was a “good man with much to offer the community and his church, but he’d just made a mistake.” Really, the only thing he was sorry about was getting caught. He said a couple of things that probably had his lawyer mentally facepalming, that he probably thought were valid excuses for what he did, but undoubtedly showed the judge his true character.

And so we won. The judge gave him the lengthiest sentence he could for the plea deal he’d made, and he’s going to be spending a long time in maximum security. Justice for my girls, hopefully some peace for us – but instead of feeling victorious like I’d thought I would, I feel kind of beaten myself. Nobody wants to say they sent someone to prison. I mean yeah, as their mother, as soon as I found out what was going on I wanted to castrate him and strap him naked to a hill of fire ants – but who wants their life to have gone so far down this path in the first place? To be the one who brought kids into the world thinking it was a good family and they were doing the right thing, only to have everything fall apart, to know her kids have been scarred for life, and to have to pull strength out of nowhere to fight a battle in court?

Maybe it’s because I know it’s not even halfway over yet. I still have to protect my kids from the other one, and I won’t be able to breathe a sigh of relief until all the legal stuff is behind us.

Okay, enough whining. My DA and court advocate assure me I did “everything right and then some.” The DA is a firecracker, and the advocate told me she’d never seen him as angry over a case as he was with ours. Both of them did so much to reassure us – more than they’ll ever know – and they’ll have my gratitude forever. In fact,  I’d love to send each of them the most expensive gift basket, with lots of chocolate goodies – but a heartfelt thank-you card will have to do for now.

I love how my blogging friend Shell Flower puts a related song at the end of her blog posts, so I’ll add this one (which is probably my favorite Abney Park song right now):

This time last year:

Forwarding That Plot – I miss those writers’ group meetings where we’d get more gossiping done than critiquing.

On Back Shavers, Victorian Mosh Pits, and Lia – Another classic Lia rewrite!

Dressing Your Characters! (Steampunk Edition) – A steampunk fictional character fashion show. Enough said.


22 thoughts on “The Difficult Post

  1. Wow. You are brave and strong. Your heart is golden and it will lead you to all the right answers. Your daughters will be all the stronger for the action you have taken, like a phoenix. Prayers for you all…and hugs and love!!


  2. I know that you know this, but…

    A “mistake”? A mistake indicates a single occurrence, with mitigating circumstances. It's, “Whoops, lost my mind for a moment, found it again, back on track.” It does not cover calculated behavior over the span of years, and MORE calculated behavior in the effort to cover up the previous behavior and finally, attempts to excuse it. Even if humans can be convinced to buy into that (and thankfully, most can't), God is not so easily swayed. There will be justice.

    On the other hand, true character is doing the right thing just because it is right, not because it is easy or because there will be praise involved. Who had the strength to do that? That's right, YOU and YOUR GIRLS. It was HARD, and you did it anyway. Not just your other children, but EVERYONE'S children, are better off for it. So, as a mother and grandmother – THANKS! Because of YOU, my 14 year old and my 2 year old granddaughter have one less potential monster in their closets. That's huge.


  3. *hugs* Kristin, you've got this wrong. You said, “Nobody wants to say they sent someone to prison.” Excuse me, but you didn't send anyone to prison. Your ex's actions sent him to prison. Violating the trust of a child is a horrible thing. Violation of that trust by one of people who should be that child's strongest advocate and protector is even worse. I firmly believe there's a special place in hell for people like him. At the very least, you and your kids got him off the street so he doesn't have access to other children.

    And their lives aren't ruined, but how you view it will greatly impact how they view it. I'm glad you're getting help for them because they have a strong champion in you. As someone who was raped by a neighbor when I was 7, I know. I know you won't let them be defined by what happened to them.

    And I hope you'll let us know when the other monster's behind bars, too. Really big *HUGS*

    You're an inspiration.


  4. Bless you, Kristin, and your girls. What strength it must have taken. Even the most quiet of us can pull strength when needed. Proud of you for going through with it and for doing it for your girls. I hope all works out well and your girls heal, knowing you love them so much and went to battle for them.


  5. And from someone who has seen this adversely affect victims as they move in their teens because their parents didn't get them any help, please, please, please make sure you send your girls to a counselor/therapist more than only once or twice. It will make all the difference in how they handle this and move past it as stronger women.


  6. and another ditto to all of the previous comments. I have also witnessed the adverse affects on victims who did not get the support and help from their parents. But I have also been a witness to the miracle of the Atonement when one of those victims finally faces their monster in the closet and takes back their life…Like Donna said, your daughters lives are not ruined. They can, and will, heal — especially since they have your support and a knowledge of what is right and true. You are magnificent! and so are they. Thank you for making this world a little safer. hugs~


  7. Ditto to everyone else before me and something that popped into my head as I read your post: Matthew 18:6
    “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”
    So in actuality you are doing him a favor.
    What a wonderful mother you are!!! May the Lord bless you always and you can live in peace all the rest of your days!! Hugs!!!


  8. Kristin, my friend, you have been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers every day. My heart is full of hope for you and your children because of the atonement. I invite you to obsess over D&C 121 for as long as necessary.


  9. Congratulations and I hope the rest goes as well! My mother was a victim (her father) and I had a friend who was a victim of abuse as well. I think one of the hardest things victims have to go through is “pretending” that it didn't happen. When nothing is done to the abusers and the victims are left to deal with the aftermath as adults, it's really hard. I think you and your girls took the first step toward healing by taking the abuser to court. You and the legal system have validated that something illegal and wrong happened and the abuser has to pay for that. You stood up for your daughters and showed them that you love them and that you won't let people get away with hurting them. That is huge. You did the right thing. Complete healing and forgiveness can come–and I believe it only comes as a gift from God–because it certainly isn't in human nature to be that forgiving. But usually it's a long process. Hang in there. Keep the spirit close. You're in my prayers!


  10. What a difficult thing to go through and yet those kids are so lucky to have a mom who will stand by them and protect them. You've done the right thing. But something others have said and that I absolutely believe is that you and your girls can survive this. The Savior didn't just suffer for our sins, but for every heartache we carry in our lives. You're not alone. Your family is in my prayers.


  11. My mom said pretty much the same thing about his “mistake,” when I was having a hard time processing all my mixed emotions after the sentencing. It was very pre-calculated, completely the opposite of how he tried to explain away his behavior to the judge. Thankfully, he wasn't fooling anyone – except those who stood on his side.


  12. Oh definitely, I'm working with my bishop now to set up some LDS counseling. They were receiving counseling through state aid, which has wonderful resources, but I had a few issues with the counselor they were assigned. They're also getting help and resources through their schools. Moving here was such a blessing. People are all but throwing help at us, almost more than I can take in. 🙂


  13. Hey Kristin, sorry for the prolonged absence.
    You are one of the bravest people I've 'met', and what you did at court more than proves this. Facing such things and coming out the other end can only make you stronger. And hey, you didn't send the twerp to prison; that was him reaping what he'd sown when HE made the choice to be a complete armpit.


  14. This is definitely the occasion for the maxim: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And you are – all of you – even if you feel the opposite right now. Our emotional skeletons can feel like flimsy new bones after a major growth spurt like you've just experienced.

    When I was a reporter, I actually covered a story like what you've described. The woman I featured for a Mother's Day issue was called a “Mother of the Year”..and then my editor refused to run it after an abuse scandal broke involving her brother and her kids. I actually started a WIP on this topic called Monster in the Closet. Maybe it's time to finish that story…


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